I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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