I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
