I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
