I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
