Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
