Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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