??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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