I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
