When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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