i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
