apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
