i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
