I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
