i don't like sucking hair
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
love makes seman taste better
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
