It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
