Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
