mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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