Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
