u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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