Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
