He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
