I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
