remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
