I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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