Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
