Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
