ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
