I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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