if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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