I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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