one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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