I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
