Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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