Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
