the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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