if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
