Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
