so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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