Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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