My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
