my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
