She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
