how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
