i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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