i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
