I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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