My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Be still, my beating vagina.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
last night I used snow as a chaser
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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