Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
