I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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