so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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