Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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