Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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