she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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