So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Your penis caused this!
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