I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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