Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
