I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
