I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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