So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
