nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
how do you play pong handcuffed?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
