Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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