he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is the high leading the old right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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