I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
