Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
