I CAN MOONWALK!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
