I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
